Together They Both Get Grey

It is magically September, and mid-September at that! It’s a calm, cloudy 72 this afternoon but I’m already contemplating pulling out my Halloween decorations. If it were up to me they would be out all year round!

I’ve been in my head mostly, and not putting pen to paper (fingers to keys?) quite as frequently. While this blog started out as way to document my sobriety, it has transformed into something else entirely. I’ve become less preoccupied with alcohol and more preoccupied with food and it’s been this way for exactly one year now. I feel like I’ve been blindsided.

One entire year of my life spent re-immersing myself in anorexia, confronting my past, and struggling to find a balance – although not necessarily in that order. It’s the confrontation that led to the re-immersion, but I wasn’t quite cognizant of that in the beginning. As for balance? Well, I’m still working on that.

It’s so easy to paint a pretty picture of recovery. I’ve been embarrassed that this eating disorder recovery has been a crap-shoot. I realize that it’s impossible to take an “all or nothing” mentality when it comes to recovery, but my personality is such that I can’t help forcing the idea. If I’m not in the hospital hooked up to a feeding tube, then I had better be eating “normally” and not feeling like a crazy person. There is no grey area….except that there is, and that’s where I’m living. Inside the grey where everything feels impossible. Eating “normally” feels impossible. Being HUMAN feels impossible.

I’ve been hesitant to post because I feel like I should be further along, but I’m not even sure how to gauge my progress. I’m still seeing my therapist. I also have weekly appointments with my medical doctor. I’m underweight, but not in the danger-zone. It feels too difficult to do anything but stay here – in the grey. It feels safe. It feels calm. It also goes against my natural all or nothing tendency, and that brings us back to BALANCE.

It is Friday and I am rambling. I think for the time being I’m going to take a page from The Big Book and just forge ahead one day at a time. 

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