Punching Pinholes

Excitement abounds! I have no trouble recollecting the adventures that last weekend brought, and I have much to look forward as we roll into the upcoming weekend.

I’ve been working on being more present. It is my tendency to dwell on negative thoughts that leaves me trapped in a cage of my own making. So, last weekend, instead of curling up under the blankets and becoming a zombie, I forced myself to be social. It made a world of difference.

It’s not easy to embark on activities when just the act of getting out of bed in the morning feels like a magnanimous task. Each and every decision throughout the day takes careful thought. Rules must not be broken. Routines must be adhered to. The only reason I decided to leap outside of my comfort zone was because  we had tickets to a show. Non-refundable tickets that had been purchased long ago before my brain space was overwhelmed with its current demons. Staying home was not going to be an option. Date night, here I come.

The thing is, it felt really nice to let go for one night. I promised myself I would live in the moment. I would be grateful for everything I have and for all the people in my life, and for the wonderful city I live in. Negative thoughts be damned! I had them, of course, the negative thoughts and the cruel inner monologue, but for that one night I fought back.

It got me thinking, if I can do it for one night, why not try to do it for a little bit longer? Addiction is a brutal beast. It’s difficult to keep your head above water minute to minute, much less day to day, but there is no harm in trying. It hurts to beat yourself up. It’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s 100% unnecessary. So, my goal this week has been to try, every day, even for just a moment, to love my whole self. I am giving myself permission to be who I am, perceived faults and all, because I am enough.

 

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