It’s Wednesday, but it feels like it could be any day, really.
I told my therapist recently that I’ve been having trouble recalling what I’ve been up to, what my weekends have looked like – what I’ve accomplished. Normally, I have answers.
I went to a movie. I had book club. I cooked an amazing dinner. We took the little dog to the dog park. We had Greek food at our favorite joint down the street. I went for a run and then out to breakfast.
Recently I have dead air.
I…ran a lot. I…journaled. I, um, did a lot of strength training and avoided food and people.
Really exciting stuff.
His insight was that my focus on food, exercise and weight is causing me to lose time. Every day is the same. It’s the same obsession, the same routine, the same rut. He’s absolutely right, of course. I’m just not sure how to shift the focus.
I hate the idea of losing time. I know these things aren’t important, but the disorder is making them TOP PRIORITY in my head. I am tired of looking back at my journals, and sifting through memories and finding the same disordered thoughts and hurtful words. When did it become seemingly impossible to love myself? Where is my compassion? The thoughts in my head are cruel and I know they are untrue. I think I need to keep reminding myself of that.