Human Nature Kills

Today is absolutely positive in one respect and that is because today is Day 294 of sobriety. I look at that number and my head tilts to one side. I have been sober for almost one year. I am grateful every single day that I started down this path, and thankful that I’ve had success in sobriety.

Addiction is a mixed bag, I’ve learned. My last few posts centered on FEELINGS and my incredibly difficult time feeling them. Without alcohol to numb my emotions, out slithered the demons – ready to strike in my vulnerable state. Depression set in and old habits came back. I’ve held off on the updates, quite obviously and to be frank, I’m incredibly anxious about my absence from this blog.

I’m going to cut to the chase.

Rip off the Band-Aid.

I have backslid into anorexia.

All systems are a go when it comes to conquering this beast yet again, however I can’t help but feel ashamed. My thoughts oscillate wildly between, “How on Earth did you let this happen?!” to “You are ridiculous. Run. Run. Run on empty. Food is not for you.”

It is absolutely maddening.

I’ve got a support system, I’ve got a therapist and all of that jazz, but I need my blog. I need to write in something that isn’t a tiny spiral notebook buried deep in my purse full of self-loathing.

Recovery. A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. This is the rough patch. It blindsided me by not being alcohol related, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to fight any less. I am worth it.

 

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