A new reality is starting to sink in, and it’s making me feel slimy and ashamed and very akin to my past drinking habits.
I am shopping to fill a void. I am buying clothes, shoes, purses, coats – you name it – to make myself feel “better” when I’m not really sure I feel all that bad to begin with. It’s becoming compulsive. It’s following the trend of my drinking, too. I’m hiding how much I’m spending, and I’m keeping my purchases from my husband and close friends.
In the past, I’d see something I loved. I would mull it over. I’d assess the cost. If I ended up buying it, I’d show it off to my husband and tell my best friends about this amazing new ______ I’d just gotten. The things I buy now end up in my closet with tags still attached. I wait ages to wear them. If my husband asks, “Is that a new sweater?” I shrug it off and say, “Sort of – I’ve had it awhile but haven’t worn it.” Half truths. Half truths like the half drunk bottle of wine in the fridge and the empty one hidden beneath the newspapers in the recycle bin.
The thing is, with every dollar I spend, the worse I feel. I’m so frustrated. I am clear-headed and I am sober and yet I am still an addict. I am still compulsive. I am still obsessing over anything and everything until I feel like I will burst into flames! I feel sad, defeated, deflated and just plain low.
I have a plan, sort of. I am keen on those ’30 Day Challenges’ and this seems like a good time to create my own. If anything it’ll make me stop and think before buying something that I don’t need! I am 90% certain that nipping this habit in the bud will lessen this depression with which I find myself struggling.
I think the bottom line is: I have a lot of work to do. I need to take a hard look at my self and my inner workings and why I keep turning to less than ideal “solutions” for what life throws my way. I need to remind myself on a daily basis that the money I’m saving on not drinking, should not be the money I’m spending to develop a shopping addiction.