My brain has been all over the place lately. Strangely, sobriety feels more difficult these past couple of weeks than it did earlier on. What’s up with that?!
One of my good friends is getting married out of state today and unfortunately I am not there. Luckily, social media is rampant with pictures and posts and updates, which I love. It almost feels like I’m there! The picture that has had the most impact, however?
A snap of someone’s Bloody Mary.
This was yesterday, and upon first view I found myself overwhelmed with a grief that affected my entire day. I was sad that I wasn’t there, but then relieved that I didn’t have to be there sober. I got lost in the spiral of ‘forever-is-too-long-you-can-learn-how-to-moderate-what’s-a-wedding-without-booze?!’ and completely lost sight of what was actually important. That is, this exciting time in my friend’s life. I also lost sight of the fact that I wasn’t even there. Why on earth was I so concerned about not drinking at an event I was nearly 1,000 miles away from!?
It all comes back to the 100 Day Challenge and my fear of Day 101. As it stands, on Day 114, I will be at a wedding. Out of state. What if I’m not strong enough? What if I convince myself it’s okay to drink – I did the 100 days? Why is my resolve waning now?
I’m not sure what exactly I need in order to feel less disheveled. It feels bigger than a sober treat – chocolate, ice cream, nail polish, whatever. Clearly, the solution has to come from within – which sounds so hokey, but makes complete sense.
Day 71, I appreciate you. Now, let’s keep moving.