All I Ever Wanted

Day 56! It’s going to be a scorcher today and has been all week. The warm weather is doing a number on my happy hour cravings, however, and I’m trying my darnedest to combat that.

This weekend I am hopping on the train and heading to visit one of my best friends. We’re running a 5K, hosting a BBQ, floating the river and getting friendship tattoos! I have been looking forward to this for MONTHS (and the tattoo for YEARS). Yet, somehow, all I can think about is how much I am going to miss alcohol.

Will I really, though?

She and I used to drink together, but our friendship has been a long one and is about much more than booze. Also, her boyfriend doesn’t drink at all and hasn’t for as long as I’ve known him. It’s not going to be weird, she won’t be skeptical, no one gives a crap – so why do I?

I have been sitting here trying to dissect it.

We plan on filling up the kiddie pool and lounging in the yard after our tattoo appointment. I already have an intense desire to have some chilled white wine included in that picture, and this lounging won’t even happen for at least another 48 hours.

I’ve gotten nowhere with this dissection process because I just keep thinking about wine.

I associate summertime, visiting my best friend and vacations with alcohol.

I suppose I’ll have to live with the notion that “knowledge is power” and the fact that I’ve got nearly 2 months of sobriety under my belt. I’m not worried that I’ll drink. I am worried that I’ll be awkward, and that I won’t have fun and I won’t be fun.

This is also my first sober “vacation” – which just occurred to me. I think I’ve successfully made the first incision in this dissection process…

How do I vacation without alcohol? Vacation was always my excuse to drink breakfast. Vacation meant stopping into a bar every 2 hours to re-hydrate my booze hound.  Vacation is synonymous with Day Drunk (not usually Night Drunk because obviously I’d be passed out by 8 PM)

It reminds me a lot of recovering from my eating disorder and self-harm coping mechanism. My identity was completely wrapped up in both. I was terrified to quit because even though it was a nightmare, I had no idea who I was without those two things. However, it was unsustainable.

I am not my addiction to alcohol anymore than a vacation is an excuse to be drunk all day. The idea of Vacation may be completely wrapped up in booze, but that’s just because I haven’t vacationed sober yet.

Not drinking has done more for my “identity” than drinking ever did. I feel like I know myself better. I like myself better and I have a feeling that not drinking will change my perception of vacation for the better, too.




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