Today is Day 50! I am feeling calm, happy and relieved. The nerdy part of me decided to create an infographic to celebrate!
I estimated the chocolate – it’s probably closer to 5,000 pieces.
Yesterday afternoon was a bit of a mess. I had an appointment to get my haircut, which involves a lot of commuting – bus AND boat! My ritual for the last 2 years has been enjoying libations at the little restaurant bar where the boat docks both before and after my appointment. I always had the time. The boat is early, I need to kill some time. The boat is late, I need to kill some time. The boat is a boat and the water is wet, I need a beer. I haven’t felt nearly as flustered about drinking in the last 50 days as I did yesterday, and I did not see it coming.
The anxiety hit immediately after work. I knew that the boat would dock a full 30 minutes before my appointment. It takes all of 10 minutes to walk to the appointment, so what was I supposed to do for 20 minutes?! I went back and forth between arriving to my appointment early, sitting at the bar and reading, ordering a non-alcoholic beer (if they had it), or braving the weather and sitting on the beach.
The boat docked and I could not stop myself from going into the bar. It was muscle memory. I even had this thought, “Maybe I’ll just order a cider?”
WHAT?! Come again?
And then I thought, “Are you kidding me? Cider is still alcohol. Just because cider is what you’d drink when you were attempting to not get drunk does NOT mean it is an option today.
I stood at the bar for what felt like a year as the man in front of me ordered absolutely EVERYTHING. He was alone and ordering for a crowd (of what had to be 15 people). I kept hearing buzz words, IPA-lightbeer-Manhattan-porter-Riesling-hoppybeer-vodkasoda-localIPA. Finally, the bartender was directly in front of me.
“Do you happen to have any non-alcoholic beers?”
He poured me an O’Douls in a pint glass, didn’t charge me and thanked me for waiting. I sat on the patio and thought about my last hair appointment. It had been a Saturday morning. Following the haircut, I’d met a friend at that same bar. I’d had one beer while I waited, and then 2 more after she arrived. From there we went to another bar, where I had another beer. We ended at a bar close to home where I had 2 beers and a shot of whiskey.
I remember it all vividly, shockingly enough.
She left me at the bar, my husband met up with me and from there we met up with another couple for a mini golf double-date. We all had a beer, and then another beer. I’d eaten some kale that day. Just kale. It was at that point that I ceased to function. My body sort of shut down and I told me husband that I needed to go home. I wasn’t belligerent or passing out, but I felt toxic. I knew I wouldn’t be able to play golf or socialize. The panic was beginning to overwhelm me until finally I was in the parking lot, in the sunshine, trying to breathe.
My husband took me home. We argued in the car. He told me that I needed to be more aware. I remember saying, “Do you wish I didn’t drink?” I don’t remember his answer.
At home, I passed out in bed. It wasn’t even 7:00 p.m. I woke up a few times, argued some more with my husband, and eventually slept until the next morning.
The following day I went bowling and drank 2 over-sized beers at the bowling alley.
I wasn’t ready for sobriety. It would take another 3 days.
I am so happy to be here. 50 Days.