Ebb & Flow

A bit of radio silence, sorry about that!

What’s new on my end? Well, today is Day 34. That feels like a lot of days. I am still on Belle’s wait-list for the official 100 Day Challenge, but I’m not discouraged! I am delighted that I decided to pursue sobriety while I wait instead of saying, “I’ll quit when I’m no longer on the wait-list!” Not to mention, she is majorly supportive in the interim as well!

This weekend was vicious when it came to cravings. I was surrounded by good friends, it was Sunday night, and they were all drinking. I was happy and having fun, but I got caught up in their buzz. I desperately wanted to taste the fancy new beer everyone was passing around! My kombucha paled in comparison and out it slipped, “I can’t wait until I can drink again!” Nobody thinks that I am quitting for good because I have not been vocal about it. They all laughed and kept on drinking and I sat there feeling split. I was angry at myself. It almost felt like I’d caved and had a drink!

A funny thing happened once we got home, however.  I went through my nightly ritual: face wash, lotion, putting out clothes for the next day and what not, and I was so glad to be sober. I knew I was going to sleep well and wake up rested and start the week off on the right foot. I didn’t really want to drink again, it was just that dreaded fear of missing out and that is fixable. It’s an attitude adjustment and an awareness of what social situations I feel comfortable in. I also realized that it’s less about being around alcohol itself, and more about being around my close friends when they’re tipsy. I’m not sure how to navigate those waters…but I’m thinking it has to do with confidence in both myself and my decision to not drink.

This weekend will truly test that dilemma. A small group of us have organized a bachelorette party for a good friend who is flying in from The Other Coast. Luckily, it’s a small affair, but it will be a drunken one. I’ve volunteered to be the designated driver and I plan on being the unofficial photographer as well. I probably need a sober toolkit.

I’ve never been here before – 34 days sober, but I’m enjoying it and in spite of the weekend’s hang-ups, I plan on sticking around.

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