Ugh. The things that come up when I can’t won’t drown them in alcohol.
I swear my brain is its own animal. I love not drinking and I am so happy to have embarked on this journey. The hard part now is FOOD. The hard part was always food. Rather, the hard part always used food as its gateway. I’ve been in therapy enough times to know my triggers, use my coping skills, etc. etc., and I’ve come a LONG way. What baffles me – and shouldn’t – is how closely related my eating disorder and alcoholism are.
Some days it’s so wonderful! I am excited to eat actual meals, or satisfy my cravings for things I’d normally steer clear of – all because I know that I won’t have the added alcohol calories. Other days, I am wrapped up in the numbers game; enticed by the possibility of losing weight by continuing to steer clear of my cravings combined with not drinking.
I talked to my husband about it last night (COPING SKILLS!) and he said, “I have never thought about calories that way. Every time I eat something I think to myself ‘that’s energy that you get to burn – that’s fuel!’ it’s like a gift for my body!”
Wasn’t I just saying that not drinking, plus exercising was a gift to myself and my body? Why on Earth is it so difficult to look at food the same way? Well, toconsistently view food that way.
Is my disordered eating still my eating disorder? I have grown leaps and bounds and definitely don’t think of myself as having an eating disorder – just weird about food. I feel like my brain is trying to trick me. All in a days work, I suppose.