I’m not very far along, this is Day 2. Welcome! However, I already feel like I need to write. I need to keep track and I mostly need to celebrate. I need to celebrate the fact that I am really, really excited to quit drinking. Terrified, anxious – all of that, but excited to feel happy again.
I don’t know if I am an alcoholic, but I suspect I probably am. I am the only person on the planet who knows how much I drink, and that seems like some sort of sign. I have gotten great at hiding what I’ve purchased and consumed. If my husband sees a bottle of wine in the fridge, I make sure to have another on hand, squirreled away somewhere out of sight. When I inevitably blow through the first bottle in one night it’ll look like I only had a glass. I also won’t drink a whole bottle if he’s around.
I have a bad habit of drinking alone before meeting up with people, just so I have that fuzzy veil to jump-start socializing. I don’t understand why I’m anxious. I’m socializing with friends – good friends! My brain works in a way that screams, “Better have a few drinks beforehand…you may only get one drink at so-and-so’s place and that won’t be enough to get you through [insert what should be a fun social activity].”
The thing that confuses me is how I arrived here. When did a drink after work become 8? When did it become normal to bring vodka/cranberry in a water bottle to the movies? How did I get so lost?